NBA requires Phoenix Suns to submit non-inflated heights

The NBA is ending the longtime, honored basketball tradition of lying about players’ heights. In a recent memo sent league-wide, teams must submit the exact heights and ages of all its players. This will affect some Phoenix Suns players more than others.

The New York Times reported the NBA sent a memo to the Phoenix Suns and all NBA teams requiring them to submit the accurate height without shoes for all players on their roster.

Basketball players are to height the way many women are to weight. It can be a touchy subject and when asked directly, they have the tendency to fib about it.

For generations, teams at all levels have recorded their players’ heights as taller than they really are in an effort to make them look more intimidating on paper.

With this new requirement, the NBA may as well have recreated the machine from Honey I Shrunk the Kids because players are about to get a lot shorter.

In some cases, however, a few players will actually grow. Some big men feel there is a stigma about being a 7-footer and sneak 6’11” into the program instead to fight any preconceived notions about their game.

Which Phoenix Suns player will be most affected by this new demand for vertical transparency?

The NBA already has exact, bare-footed heights of every player that went through the combine since the year 2000 down to the quarter of an inch.

Of course, not all players attended the NBA combine, either because they weren’t invited (Aron Baynes) or because they felt they were too cool for such nonsense and attending could only hurt their draft stock (Deandre Ayton).

From the players that did attend and had their measurements documented, the biggest height-fudger on the team is rookie Cameron Johnson.

The Suns list Johnson at 6’9″, which is a full two inches taller than his 6’7″ measurement at the combine this year.

God bless shoes and rounding up.

The next three players most likely to stand on their toes during pictures are Mikal Bridges (listed at 6’7″ but measured at 6’5.25″), Chieck Diallo (listed 6’9″, measured 6’7.5″) and superstar Devin Booker (listed 6’6″, measured 6’4.5″).

Shout out to former Phoenix Suns’ guard, Tyler Ulis. His run at 5’10” was good while it lasted.

The most honest Phoenix Suns player, based on measurements we already have, is Frank Kaminsky III, who only rounded up a quarter-inch, from 6’11.75″ to an even 7′.

Keep an eye out for new players’ heights in the coming weeks. Favorites in the biggest-height-adjustment pool are Jevon Carter (listed at 6’2″), Dario Šarić (listed at 6’10”), and Aron Baynes (also listed at 6’10”).

The other aspect of the NBA memo calls for teams to reveal accurate player ages. This came up because Buddy Hield revealed he is actually 26 years old, not 25 years old like many sites had him listed.

This kind of reporting is usually only important for Little League Baseball, where coaches have been known to sneak 14 year olds onto the pitcher’s mound.

However, if it happened with Hield, it could happen with anyone, and in the spread of legalized sports gambling where every statistic counts, the NBA is taking no chances.

The only Phoenix Suns player who this might affect is Buddy Hield’s fellow Bahamian, Deandre Ayton, who is listed at 21 years of age, but is clearly 47.

It is also a good thing they waived Jamal Crawford because it would be hard to explain how a man who has been in the league for so long is only 25 years old.

The NBA chose not to ask for players’ weights because they felt those fluctuate too much. That seems like a maintenance-avoidance reason, but it is probably a good thing to keep some things as estimates.

After all, they are basketball players, not runway models. Let the men eat with clear conscience.