Where You Sittin’? – Phoenix Suns Edition

Steve Kerr, Robert Sarver, Jerry Colangelo, Bryan Colangelo, Phoenix Suns (Photo by Barry Gossage/NBAE via Getty Images)
Steve Kerr, Robert Sarver, Jerry Colangelo, Bryan Colangelo, Phoenix Suns (Photo by Barry Gossage/NBAE via Getty Images) /

Viruses are meant to spread. Sorry, viral memes are meant to spread, so here we are: the Where You Sittin’: Phoenix Suns Edition!

For those of you who have been living under an internet rock the last week or so, here’s how it works. You walk into a cafeteria and need a place to sit. There is one spot open at every table, each filled with different personalities. Where you sit says a lot about you. Which table do you pick?

Table 1: Dragan Bender, James Jones, Igor Kokoskov

Awkward! Igor Kokoskov and Dragon Bender are probably too nice to drill James Jones on why they were released. They know their own results. But would Jones talk about the elephant in the room or would he change the topic to something they have in common, like European vacations?

Table 2: Ricky Rubio, Deandre Ayton, Ty Jerome

Need some advice on how to be a point guard, or how this year’s point guard will work with the Phoenix Suns’ emerging superstar big man? Sit here. Ricky Rubio is sure to be dishing out a ton of advice to Suns rookie Ty Jerome and discussing clever pick and roll techniques with Deandre Ayton.

Table 3: Monty Williams, Kelly Oubre Jr., Devin Booker

The on-court brain trust of this year’s team can all be found at this table. Monty Williams is a coaching genius; Kelly Oubre is energy personified; Devin Booker might be the most talented scorer in franchise history. If you’re a hardcore basketball guy who wants to keep their eyes forward, not in the past, then this is the table for you. It’s also the best dressed table here, so come with your best drip.

Table 4: Jerry Colangelo, Steve Kerr, Robert Sarver

If you’re looking for a quiet lunch with butter-knife-cuttable tension (I mean, who doesn’t), grab a seat right here. This table is just one snide comment away from making you wish you had popcorn for lunch because a billionaire food fight could break out at any minute.

Table 5: Charles Barkley, Shaquille ‘Neal, Kevin Johnson

Remember that lunch table in school that was always the rowdiest? This is that table. Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal are already great on-screen personalities and Kevin Johnson will probably be willing to share all those stories Sir Charles never wanted released from his Suns playing days. You could probably fill up on the tears from everyone’s laughter. I call dibs on this one.

Table 6: Rex Chapman, Phil Mickelson, The Gorilla

Everything besides basketball will be getting discussed at this table. While The Gorilla would probably annoy me pretty quickly, I would put up with his antics to hear former shot making jailbird Rex Chapman and Lefty tell some crazy stories.

Table 7: Steve Nash, Mike D’Antoni, Amar’e Stoudemire

Those wanting to relive the glory days of the mid 2000s will gravitate toward this table. Steve Nash, Mike D’Antoni, and Amar’e Stoudemire are probably still so synergistic that they could finish each others sentences. You are sure to get some good behind-the-scenes stories of epic passes and gruesome injuries. Ah, what almost was, and what could have been.

Table 8: Tom Chambers, Bryan Colangelo, Al McCoy

If you need a Suns history lesson, or are simply in the mood to reminisce (about the time Tom Chambers flew over Mark Jackson), this table will keep you occupied for a long time. Perhaps no one can tell stories about the Phoenix Suns’ history better than this group, so pull up a rocking chair, grab some ice tea, and soak it in.

Table 9: Adam Silver, Doug Ducey, Tyler Johnson

A commissioner, a governor, and an overpaid basketball player nicknamed bumpy walk into a bar. This table has a joke written all over it. I have no idea what these collection of random humans would discuss, but a large part of me is morbidly curious.

Table 10: TJ Warren, Josh Jackson, De’Anthony Melton

This table is for all the bitter fans out there who want to feel even more disgruntled. No doubt there will be several grievances aired here from T.J. Warren, Josh Jackson, and De’Anthony Melton. Would you be the one to pile on or attempt to defend the franchise’s recent trade decisions?

There it is. You have to eat someplace. Where you sittin’?