During the Seven Seconds or Less era the Phoenix Suns were compared by many to a Formula 1 Ferrari. Very fast, but only if handled by a professional at the peak of his powers (Steve Nash). Given this is such an apt way to describe an NBA team, why not break down the entire league this way?
Welcome to the NBA used car lot.
Atlanta Hawks
Honda Accord
Because the Hawks are the exact same year after year. Not bad, but not great either.
Boston Celtics
1975 Toyota Land Cruiser
In its day there was no mountain this truck couldn’t climb, but now the odometer has rolled past 200,000, and it may be time for to let this (and the Original Big 3) truck retire.
Charlotte Bobcats
GMC Yukon
This gas guzzler is one of the main reasons GM filed for Chapter 11. Let’s hope Charlotte’s bailout money (Kemba Walker, Bismack Biyombo, and GM Rich Cho) can save this team from oblivion.
Chicago Bulls
The Batmobile
With Derrick Rose as the Dark Knight and John Paxson as Alfred. The Bulls will keep adding new sidekicks, gadgets, and weapons until they vanquish all the evil in Gotham City (the Miami Heat).
Cleveland Cavaliers
Kia Soul
No matter how you dress it up or how many hamsters you have dancing in front of it, it’s still a Kia. And Cleveland is still bound for the Eastern Conference cellar.
Dallas Mavericks
Standard Issue Army Hummer
They plowed through the opposition last year with the same unstoppable force as an Army Hummer. The only problem is that replacing Tyson Chandler with Lamar Odom and Vince Carter is like removing the .60 caliber machine gun from the Hummer and replacing it with a Super Soaker. You’re not intimidating anyone anymore.
Denver Nuggets
Whatever Tim Tebow drives
Until the Broncos are actually eliminated from the playoffs, no one in Denver will realize the Nuggets have started playing.
Detroit Pistons
Peugeot 207
The Pistons play in the city where the majority of American automobiles are made. They are so poorly constructed it would be an insult to the American automobile industry to label them anything domestic.
Golden State Warriors
Danica Patrick’s NASCAR car
Fun to watch, but ultimately not going anywhere.
Houston Rockets
The Griswold family station wagon
After missing out on both Gasol brothers it looks to be another season of “Are we there yet?” in Houston.
Indiana Pacers
Tesla Model S
The product of patience and careful planning, the Pacers, like this car, will be high performance while remaining efficient and affordable.
Los Angeles Clippers
Audi R6
Once the ignored little brother to Mercedes-Benz and BMW, the Clippers have transformed themselves into a sleek and sexy sports car that’s a real threat to upset the establishment (Lakers).
Los Angeles Lakers
BMW X5 pickup truck
This car was never made because it’s expensive, impractical, and poorly constructed. Ladies and Gentleman, your 2011-12 Los Angeles Lakers.
Memphis Grizzlies
Optimus Prime
With Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph down low, the Grizzlies look like a punishing semi truck. But with Rudy Gay back from injury, Memphis has transformed (see what I did there?) itself into a legitimate title contender.
Miami Heat
Mercedes SLK 500 convertible
Because Miami is still style and flash over quality and performance.
New York Knicks
Mazda Miata
Because if you squint, you can pretend it looks like an SLK 500.
Milwaukee Bucks
Dodge Stratus
Because no one really cares when you tell them you drive a Dodge Stratus. Just ask Will Ferrell.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Subaru Outback
Surprisingly good in the snow, and room for all your point guards. With Derrick Williams, Rubio, and Love, the T-Wolves might have enough traction to drive out of the cellar.
New Jersey Nets
Volga 3111
If the Nets fail to re-sign Deron Williams and attract another marquee free agent, Prokhorov will be another unsuccessful Russian import.
New Orleans Hornets
1984 Lincoln Towncar
Because this car can do serious damage to everything around it when it has a senior citizen (David Stern) behind the wheel.
Oklahoma City Thunder
F-14 from Top Gun
Durant and Westbrook as Maverick and Goose. The better they can work together, the further the Thunder will go.
Orlando Magic
An old school bicycle with one huge wheel and one tiny wheel
Does this really need an explanation?
Philadelphia 76ers
Super Shuttle 15 passenger van
Because you’re more likely to find a cohesive roster hitching a ride to the airport than you are in Philly’s locker room.
Portland Trail Blazers
Does North Korea make a car?
Only North Korea had a rougher offseason than Portland. They should trade LaMarcus Aldridge and Nic Batum to Phoenix for the Suns’ entire training staff.
Sacramento Kings
Something the A-Team constructed while in a Chinese prison camp
Lots of parts that shoot. Only viable as a means of escape. Escape to Anaheim.
San Antonio Spurs
DeLorean DMC-12
Hopefully the Spurs can get the car up to 88 mph to generate the 1.21 gigawatts necessary to travel back in time to when Tim Duncan was a viable NBA center.
Toronto Raptors
Fiat 500
Exceedingly foreign, little to no resale value, and destined to perform poorly in America. I’m not buying no matter how many songs they get J-Lo to sing.
Utah Jazz
Duck boat
The Jazz shifted on the fly losing Deron Williams and long-time coach Jerry Sloan, to become a viable playoff contender.
Washington Wizards
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float (Dora the Explorer theme)
John Wall and Jan Vesely’s girlfriend wave to the crowd while Andray Blatche, Rashard Lewis, and JaVale McGee push it down the street. Who says Lewis doesn’t work for his money?
Phoenix Suns
1966 Porsche 911
It was the fastest thing around in its day. It can still get up to speed and race with the best of them, so long as you don’t drive it two days in a row.
Hope you find something you like. Feel free to test drive any one of the models you see here. It should be an interesting ride this season.