The new Phoenix Suns arena will be one massive bar crawl

The Phoenix Suns unveiled renderings of what the new Talking Stick Resort Arena will look like next season. In short, it is one gigantic bar crawl.

When fans attend a Phoenix Suns game next season, one thing is for sure: they will not go thirsty.

As part of what is being called Project 201, Talking Stick Resort Arena is getting a $230 million update. From the looks of it, they plan on making all of that back exclusively in alcohol sales.

On Thursday, Suns owner Robert Sarver and ESPN personality Lisa Salter gave a Steve Jobs style presentation to show off renderings of the new arena

Technically, it is a new arena. I mean, there is a basketball court on the premises. However, the sports component seems more like more of a cover to build the world’s largest night club.

In fact, seven out of the eight pictures the Phoenix Suns posted of the renovation reveal contain a bar.

Last week, fans got a sneak preview of what the lobby will look like, and while the gigantic video wall looks amazing, the most glaring part of the 3D rendering is the 60-foot bar slapped right in the middle.

And that is before you even go inside. Sarver said this will be the city’s best sports bar.

The interior designs show that was just the beginning.

So, let’s grab a few friends, several distant acquaintances, and some matching flashy flare and go on a fascinating bar crawl through the Phoenix Suns’ revamped arena.

The Corner Bar

If fans didn’t get enough to drink in the lobby, they are in luck. When they come through the primary entry point into the arena, they will be greeted what is being dubbed the Corner Bar.

The tagline for this bar is that it is open to all ticket holders, meaning this is the least exclusive bar inside the arena.

Having said that, there only appears to be about four chairs, so if your tickets are in the nose-bleeds and you score a seat at the Corner Bar, you may have just upgraded yourself.

Otherwise, it looks to be standing room only at this watering hole, which is still likely an upgrade from the rafters. Clear sight lines to the court at the drinking rail might be the place to be during a close game in the 4th quarter.

Part of me thinks putting a bar here is wasting some prime real estate, but in this new world, the Suns are taking the approach that adding a bar makes the real estate more valuable.

The Actual Arena Part of the Arena

It is time to take a quick break from the bar crawl and peek at the reason some people may have bought a ticket to attend this bar crawl: the arena itself.

At this point, fans should be feeling loose and ready to watch some basketball. They’ll have a comfortable seat to do that from, and if that seat is far away, they can just watch the game on the video screen the size of a house.

17,000 cushioned seats is a lot of cushioned seats. They are likely an upgrade to what fans currently enjoy, but the most eye-popping bowl upgrade is that jumbotron.

At 3,500 square feet, it is bigger than most people’s house. That is absolutely gargantuan. While not quite as large as the Dallas Cowboys screen, it definitely draws basketball arena-sized comparisons considering it appears to span the distance between free throw lines.

All good sports bars need big TVs, right? Consider that covered.

The best bars and clubs have equally impressive sound systems. According to Sarver, Talking Stick Resort Arena will be equipped with state-of-the-art audio to accompany its top-of-the-line visuals.

Future concert goers send their thanks.

With video and sound taken care of, next comes lighting. Sarver claims the lighting in the arena will mimic the theatre style look of Madison Square Garden: bright court, dark crowd.

According to Sarver, Devin Booker may have even had a say in the lighting because he tends to shoot lights out at MSG.

A low-key part of this reveal, though, shows the arena will be infused with 5G technology, so fans should have consistent and fast wireless service for a change. That will serve patrons well when they need to do some drunk-dialing after the bar crawl.

Speaking of which, on to the next bar.

The $#*!-Kicker Bar

If fans find long, sleek, modern bar tops not to be their vibe, and boots and cowboy hats are more their jam, don’t fear, there’s a bar for that.

The official current name for this space is North End Club, however Robert Sarver gave it a more colorful, NSFW name for it during his presentation: the $#*!-kicker bar.

He actually said it multiple times un-bleeped on the live-stream, so Lisa Salter joined in on the profanity in an apparent effort to make it seem normal. It was…weird.

Anyway, the eventual name of this bar will be something like the Jack Daniels Whiskey Bar or the Wells Fargo Money Pit. Or something. Basically, it will be sponsored by some company with a flare for West and likely change every couple years.

It takes the place of the current Annexus Club, which as you can tell from the before photo in the tweet, isn’t exactly rocking. At least, it isn’t filled with 3D models appearing to enjoy themselves.

Done with the theme bar? On to the next one.

Terrace Suites

This is where we start getting into some areas the average fan will never venture. This section is dubbed the terrace suites, where bars evolve into lounges.

These suites are more social communities than anything else. The couches look like something out of swanky establishment in Old Town Scottsdale. Don’t expect much game-watching going on this level.

Even from the picture, there is only one guy watching the game, and his date is flirting with a toddler.

There are more barrel wall decorations here, similar to the artwork in the North End Club.

It looks like the Suns are really embracing the Wild West theme here (unlike they did with the new City Edition uniforms, but that’s a debate for another time).

Until then, to the next bar!

East/West Clubs

Now we get a chance to peek into the lifestyles of the rich and famous (and their companies’ lucky low-level employees.)

From what I understand, the more money you have, the less you pay for things. Alcohol ranks at the top of this list of complimentary perks.

The East/West Clubs are where we enter that next level of financial freedom.

Everything here is all-inclusive and is described as “upscale.” If you didn’t think there was much game-watching going on in the terrace suites, no one here can even see the court here.

In fact, the TVs appear to be showing three different Suns games at once. That is a level of luxury that is behind my taste. Like caviar.

This is definitely treading on limit my social comfort zone, but at this point in the bar crawl, I’m game for anything. On to the next one!

1968

All the most high-end, ritzy establishments have short, exotic names.

Pure.

XS. 

Filibertos.

Oops. That last one was a Freudian slip. That will happen after navigating through all these bars.

Talking Stick Resort Arena will feature a two-story night club that appears to be underground considering there is a staircase down into it. This technically might make a speakeasy.

1968 is clearly a reference to the Phoenix Suns’ inaugural season, which equally serves as a nice head nod to the Suns without being overt.

And from the looks of things, overt fandom is highly frowned upon within this circle. Here you will find lots of chandeliers and no one wearing Suns gear. No jerseys. No logo polos. Not even business men or women with a pop of orange or purple to at least acknowledge they are at a sporting event.

Why would they? This place offers “premium” food and beverage (no more Dos Equis and Jack Daniels for you), court level access, and private valet entrance.

I usually take a private valet to the games too. It’s called Lyft.

But no matter how rich you think you are, there is always someone richer (unless you’re Jeff Bezos). That brings us to our final stop in the Talking Stick Resort Arena bar crawl.

Floor Suites

This is a level of exclusivity that is difficult to comprehend. The floor suites feature only 16 seats and is adjacent to the player entrance.

Players probably won’t be sure what to do with this because they won’t get asked for high-fives from the men and and women in this area. These elite fans wouldn’t consider smacking hands with a lowly millionaire players.

And because we live in a society where we can never stop tiering people, even at this level, this section includes demarcations of MVP, Ring of Honor, and Valley.

Honestly, I have no idea what that means, but I presume it is how much money these guys fork over to the Suns on a regular basis.

But no matter whether you find yourself in the floor suites or the Corner Bar, the Suns will be ready to pour a cold beverage for you.

Mad props to the first person to earn a grand slam by getting a drink at each of these bars during one game.

We’ve reached the end of the bar crawl. Did I mention I use a private valet? I need to call a Lyft.