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The cap space diet

Are you an NBA franchise struggling with bad contracts in an uncertain economic climate? Are you tired of paying $60-plus million per year to be eliminated by the Memphis Grizzlies in five games? (I’m looking at you Portland, San Antonio, and Utah.) Have you ever employed Isiah Thomas? Then you need the Cap Space Diet.

For less than half of the mid-level exception (four annual payments of $2 million), I can show you how to slash your payroll and shape your roster into a lean, mean Conference Finals-making machine. With my patented method of short-term contracts, low-risk flyers, and unemotional fiscal objectivity (read: letting past their prime players walk) you can rebuild a team on the fly and hopefully keep your job in the process. You can count on one hand the number of GM’s who have achieved success, then had to rebuild, and kept their job until the team was successful again. You’d count them by forming a circle with your thumb and index finger as though you were trying to indicate the number zero. Call right now and I’ll send you this patented plan free* for thirty days. 1 (800) CAP-SPACE

*An annual fee of $2 million will be charged to your account unless you call our “Help” Center in Mumbai, India, and opt out before your 30 day trial is over.

Are you tired of overpaying “stars” to appease your impatient fan base? Do you have trouble holding onto your talent because of the financial inflexibility your cap number inflicts upon you? Did you just pay Kwame Brown $7 million? (Golden State, next time you want to get Kwame a Christmas present, how about a gift card to Chili’s?) Call my toll free number now!

Have you tried other methods? Amnesty? Salary dump trades? Framing a player for a crime in hopes of having their contract voided? Has nothing worked?

The Cap Space Diet can solve all your problems.

Order now and follow our step-by-step process to financial freedom.

Want proof of how well our system works? Just look at the Phoenix Suns.

Last season they paid $66 million in salary for a team that won only 40 games. They called 1 (800) CAP-SPACE and just look at them now. They have more 2012 cap space than you can shake a stick at. Following our proprietary strategy, they found bargain free agents like Shannon Brown, took low-risk flyers on journeymen like Sebastian Telfair, and stayed disciplined when re-signing aging fan favorite Grant Hill. Now they’re poised to make a big splash in next year’s free agent market while remaining competitive this year.

You may be thinking that with Chris Paul off the market and Dwight Howard likely to be moved during the year, the 2012 free agent class isn’t worth saving for, but you’d be wrong. Call us in the next 15 minutes, and we’ll send you our Accelerated Plan. The Accelerated Plan is guaranteed to put you in the market to land a big star in 2012. We’ll upgrade you to the Accelerated Plan free of charge, but you must call now. Operators are standing by. Here are some of the names you could be introducing to your season ticket holders next summer:

Top 5 Unrestricted:

Dwight Howard (He could definitely be available next summer especially if his flip-flopping routine causes Otis Smith to become incapacitated hours before the trade deadline. If you don’t think this could happen, you underestimate Dwight.)

Deron Williams

Ray Allen

Gerald Wallace

Jason Terry

Top 5 Restricted:

Russell Westbrook (Only available if he and KD end up going to blows at some point this season.)

Eric Gordon

Kevin Love

Brook Lopez

JaVale McGee

The Suns have enough space to pay two of those guys and surround them with the pieces necessary to make a deep run in the playoffs. This could be your franchise, too. Just call 1 (800) CAP-SPACE and get your team on the road to winning today. Call right now and we’ll send you our NBA GM Meditation CD for free! You and your staff will listen to the dulcet tones of Jim Paxson as he recites the words, “I will not pay Chauncey Billups $10 million” over and over again. Call us today.

This has been Antoine Walker for 1 (800) Cap Space. Thank you for your time.

Tags: Phoenix Suns Phoenix Suns Analysis

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