Robert Sarver… Ah, Robert effing Sarver, him and his bad spending fetish can drive you insane. Funnily enough, I understand him in a way. I mean, when I play my NBA 2k12, I love meself some pretty Mid-Level contracts. Actually, come think of it, it seems Sarver did take NBA 2k ratings as a suggestion when signing Josh Childress. While in reality, the ratings came out after he was signed, but it still seems to me as if the Suns owner and the 2k Sports Head Rating Guru are the only two people who think Josh is comparable in talent to Jared Dudley. Hell, I can even imagine a conversation prior to the signings.
RS: Hey, what rating would you give to Josh Childress if he were to play in the NBA?
2k: Dunno, Mr. Sarver… A 77? (that was the rating they actually gave to Childress in the first 2k11 roster. What… The…)
RS: Ok. How about Amar’e, Hakim Warrick and Channing Frye?
2k: Hmmm… Amar’e is an 86, Hakim is a 64 and Channing is a 63
RS: So wait, I can either spend a max contract on Amar’e who’s an 88 or spend around the same amount of money on a 77, a 64 and 63? Let me count that up…
2k: It’s 204, Mr. Sarver but that’s not how it…
RS: That’s a 118 increase in points! I gotta go, thanks a lot for your help.
This is Sarver’s logic, logic that might go a long(er) way in, say, the NHL or the NFL, that are more team based than star based. 3 solid role players are better than one star. In the aforementioned sports? Maybe. In the NBA? Na-ah.
So, I decided to make a Free Agency round up for every single team’s 2011 free agency moves if Robert Sarver were responsible for them. Yet, I stopped in my tracks after getting to Detroit, since… Well, they were getting repetitive and rather dumb. Instead, I settled on a few FA events associated with certain famous star players.
LeBron James – 2010
I’m pretty certain that Sarver’s Press Conference would say:
I’ve offered LeBron a contract I’ve came up with our legal department wherein it was stipulated that along with a guaranteed $10 million per year, he would receive a $10 million bonus for every year his clutch-time PER goes over 35. I have no idea why he didn’t take well to the deal, after all it would serve as an guarantee for us that he will perform in the clutch, and motivation for him.
Given his rejection, I decided to spread remaining cap space between Linas Kleiza, Delonte West and Roger Mason, Jr. equally. Needless to say, they accepted. That said, I’m still befuddled why LeBron would reject our glamorous offer.
The same scenario can be used with Dirk Nowitzki’s or Chris Bosh’s Free Agency, replacing the clutch clause for toughness and the players for various PFs/SFs.
Carmelo Anthony – 2011
Press Conference excerpt:
I do realize Melo wants to leave, he doesn’t want to resign, et cetera, et cetera, but, ladies and gentlemen, I’d rather lock the league out for a few months than let him walk. No trade, he either accepts our contract, or he can watch as his future in New York crumble thanks to me and Dan Gilbert. Mind you, Dan is angrier about this deal than I am, I mean… Carmelo is LeBron 2.0!
Dwight Howard – 2012
Dwight has actually expressed the intention to stay in Orlando, showing a lot of loyalty. I however, refused to give him a maximum contract, unless he started hitting his free throws. Is there anything wrong with that? I mean, we lose games by the amount of free throws he misses! When he wanted to negotiate the clause, I told his agent that I won’t talk to him unless he accepts this clause. It almost worked for the lockout talks, why shouldn’t it now?!
Steve Nash – 2012
Steve has been, by far the most loyal player I have ever had the chance to work with, and certainly the most talented one. However, I decided not to offer him an extension on his contract, because of his recent disloyal behavior. During the lockout, Steve retweeted (http://www.brightsideofthesun.com/2011/9/15/2428538/steve-nash-retweets-bill-simmons-anti-robert-sarver-rant) a rant against me. I will not pay a person who does not respect me, not even a vets minimum. As such, I wish good luck to Steve on his future endeavors. It’s obvious Phoenix will win a title sooner than he will, but nevertheless, good luck.
This series was kind of started with my Sympathy for the David “song” but now I’m making it official. Every week with the lockout running, I will publish a piece like that. A piece that highlights my desperation for basketball with it’s questionable humour or subject choice. Either way, if I drew at least one little laugh from ya with this, I’m happy. If, however, I made you cry due to Sarver’s ownership and/or the lockout, I do sincerely apologize.