Let’s be honest – you might not trust them around your significant other (thanks for supporting our stereotypes, Tony Parker!), but there are worse places to go for relationship advice than the French. Last night on twitter, the Suns’ Mickael Pietrus offered his top 10 tips for Valentine’s Day. It’s a great insight into the mind of a Sun and a Frenchman. Why didn’t we share this with you earlier so you could make your decisions based on Mr. Pietrus’ advice? Consider it a favor*:
Um. Well, we’re off to kind of a weird start. Mickael, you’re a multi-million dollar athlete. I’m pretty sure you can afford to not be so cost-conscious. Of course, you are offering this advice to all of your followers on twitter, so maybe you’re just trying to think about the common man. That’s kind of you, but if you’re giving advice to someone who can’t afford dinner for two, you might want to start with, “Stop living with your mother” or “Get a better job.”
*What do you mean these were all tongue-in-cheek?! Surely you jest!
This seems to go hand in hand with your first piece of advice, Mickael. Last time I checked, most places that have a happy hour special don’t take reservations. Besides, what’s more romantic than using your credit card and adding to your soul-crushing pile of debt in order to take your date out to a dinner you can’t afford?
Odd advice. Are you saying that I should get her two cards? If so, of course the right name will be on both cards. Or maybe you’re suggesting that I should get a card for my mother as well. That’s actually really sweet, Mickael – and putting the wrong name on the wrong card could be really awkward in that instance, so you’re right!
…oh. Oh, damn, Mickael. That’s what you meant with your last tip? That’s cold, sir. I was joking earlier when I said that the French couldn’t be trusted around women.
On the other hand, if you’re going to creep on multiple girls, this is sound advice. Touche, Mickael. Touche.
Also good advice if you’re going to try to juggle multiple dates. If you’re going to get gifts for all of them, just buy a bunch of the same thing and give it to everyone. The only way this could go wrong is if you’re dating sisters or girls that work together or any woman that checks your bank statements.
Mickael’s really fond of “lol”, isn’t he? I can’t tell if you’re telling me to keep my eyes on my woman or women, Mickael – are you saying I should run a “Ho Train” and go out to dinner like I’m the Godfather from the WWE? And I don’t know if you’re warning me not to look at your woman or to not let my girl(s) catch me staring at another woman. Are you threatening me or are you my wingman, Mickael?
…that’s just awful. Honestly, if you’ve already gotten a girl to the bedroom and she sees that, she’ll probably be telling you about the awful headache she just got within the next three minutes.
Why yes, Mickael. After tip number seven, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I will most definitely be in need of a backup plan.
Unless this is some kind of morning-after contraception joke, Mickael. Is “plan A” what I think it is? Your capitalization of “south” and your FOUR “lol”s makes me think this all might be an awkward euphemism. I guess I just don’t understand French humor.*
*It’s too bad “Dinner for Schmucks” was so awful. The French film on which it’s based, “Le Diner de Cons,” is one of my favorite comedies.
You’ve already been invited over, Mickael. Did you plan on dropping that atrocious “turn me on” line? Did you know using that line would go awfully for me? Otherwise, why would you even need to think about plan B? At this point the TIPS ARE ALREADY COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Why would you even be thinking about getting out?
…I hate this bull **** holiday. And I should have taken Spanish instead of French in high school.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, EVERYONE! AND HAPPY 99TH BIRTHDAY, ARIZONA!