Marcin Bonaparte, Conqueror


The mythology of the Polish Hammer is spreading like wildfire.

Some speculate that Gortat was born weighing 330 pounds. His wet-nurse was the largest oxen in all of Europe, brought in from Bavaria in anticipation of a miracle. This great tale trickled down into Americana as the folk story of John Henry.

The world's first photograph came shortly after Gortat out-rebounded a steam-powered Kevin Love. With a sledgehammer.

Members of the Orthodox Church of Marcin scoff at such ordinary origins for their man-God. From the time they are toddlers, these lorekeepers hear stories of the one true Gortat, birthed from the planetary manifestation of the Roman god of war and jettisoned through near-space. The site of his eruption through the surface of Mars is still visible, responsible for conspiracy theories through the ages.

Random collection of shadows + Photoshop? OR PROOF OF GORTAT'S ALIEN ORIGINS? That's what I thought.

For the high-minded, Marcin Gortat enforces the axiom that “those who do not read history are doomed to repeat it.” According to those who have studied the Merciful Gortat and European history, enemies of the Suns were forewarned: Marcin is the second coming of Napoleon Bonaparte. A marauding European, proving his effectiveness in the shadows until a successful coup d’etat. An exile on an island in a coastal area. And now, since seeing increased playing time for the Suns, the 100 days of Gortat.

The Magic bench: Gortat's Elba

None shall cross the Barbarian and live to tell the tale. He vanquished Emeka Okafor of the Hornets, sending him fleeing to the injured list for three weeks. Andrew Bogut cowered in fear rather than face the wrath of a Polish Hurricane. As Napoleon goes, so goes France; as Gortat goes, so goes Phoenix. Let the glory of our Conquest reign forev…

Uh oh. I just scrolled down a little further on Napoleon’s wikipedia page. Apparently, he fell HARD after his 100 days, vanquished by the allied forces of the Duke of Wellington and Gebhert Leberecht von Blucher. And just as Bonaparte should have known better than to attack two well fortified, well positioned armies with just one, we too have the signs that Gortat’s reign may not be as lustrous as we all want it to be.

Is Gortat’s Waterloo upon us? Tonight, the Suns tip off against an Oklahoma City Thunder team that will counter the legendary Marcin with a two-headed Hydra akin to the leaders of the allied forces of 1815. Can Serge Ibaka and Nick Collison stem the incoming tide, the Pride of Poland? Will our Napoleon be exiled to the bench once again with King Fropez XVIII’s minutes restored?

Wikipedia, for once, doesn’t have the answer. Check out the Thunder vs. the Suns tonight at 9:00 PM EST to find out. Vive L’Empereur!

Tags: Marcin Gortat Napoleon Oklahoma City Thunder Phoenix Suns